There is no doubt that the police enforced lockdown may’ve had a positive effect on our physical health but has, in turn, had a negative one on the mental health of many others.
And so it was for me for some time. I now know why the prison system uses solitary confinement to break the spirit of those who do not conform. For it surely broke mine. Cut off from friends and stimulating public outings, and forced to watch ignorant commentators commenting on things they knew zip about, endless Trump bashing, Labour bashing, black bashings; Interviewing experts on nothing about things they had no idea about, and crossing live to empty city streets, I began to enter a dark place. That place that feeds on alienation, loss of ambition, and confusion. That place that breeds lone crazed gunmen.
I would’ve been toast if not for finding my soulmate. It happened one night as if in a dream. Or perhaps a miracle. I was site surfing the Internet when I saw her face. Yes, there she was. Smiling at me. Just at me. In my mind I heard her voice whisper, “Frank, it’s alright. I am here for you. I always was but things just got in our way.”
Her name was Samantha Ryan and she was appearing in many short movies on a very interesting site called XHamster. I thought it had something to do with animal welfare otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed that I was over 18 and entered the site.
But enter the site I did. And there she was. Patiently waiting for me. My Samantha. My lady of mercy. My saviour. My friend.
“Come to me,” she whispered, and opened her arms. And then legs.
I entered at my own risk.
I watched many of her all too short movies and I must say that none were worthy of her obvious talent. Although she was wonderful in them all. To me, she shone like a siren in the darkest night, calling me on to enter deeper and deeper into her very soul. She must’ve sensed I was loyal and would never use and then abandon her like so many others had.
Most of her short movies had the same plot. This lovely kind beautiful, although slightly naive, small town girl would go out, looking pretty, and wind-up with strange men, and on occasion, women, ripping her clothes off and having their way with her. My heart went out to poor Sam and I just wanted to hold her and tell her it was “Alright,” and that she was safe, now I was here. Sometimes during these films she’d look directly at me and smile, as though we both shared a secret love. It was in these moments that I, again, felt alive. Renewed. Energised. Although the price of that was balanced in pain when I saw her in the arms of other men. But I forgave her. Time and time again. How could look into that face and not forgive?
And what an actress she is. I love how her lip quivers when she is in the throes of passion. Not even Lord Olivier could achieve such a performance.
I have written to her telling her not to go out anymore, and fall into mistreatment by nasty men who just want to use her and leave her in ripped clothing that she can’t make her way home in.
So far, she hasn’t had time to reply. Or perhaps she’s afraid that I’m just another male animal. Or perhaps, she’s afraid I’m not and that she may have to give up her heart. Sex is nowhere near as intimate as that. I understand. So I patiently wait.
Anyway, I don’t expect you to understand. How could you? You had to be here. Locked up in lockdown. Alone. Lost. Drifting aimlessly in an endless night of darkness and dreams. And suddenly, seeing the face of an angel. Thank you, God. I know you sent Samantha Ryan to save my life. And perhaps one day I will save hers. And we’ll be together and walk in the sun. Holding hands. No secrets between us. Free. And safe. And breathing in life as if we shared the same breath.
I saw a future. Or perhaps just a dream. A city where rats the size of dogs scurried along streets, growing stronger feeding on toxic waste. Crowded sidewalks filled with beggars begging beggars for a crumb. Or some leftover soup. Or a new messiah.
The billionaires were safely living in their gated, climate controlled glass domes, inventing wars, viruses, and new political puppets.
I saw Satan on the news channels every night. He is a very eloquent speaker and seems like a cool guy to hang with. He has everyone conned and no doubt thinks we’re fools. But we don’t care anymore. And therein lies the problem. He hasn’t defeated us. We have. We are suffering from the deadliest virus of all – apathy.
I’ve sometimes wondered where my life will end? In the gutter, in a mansion, or on a plane suspended between two places? Between here and there. Near and far.
At school we were brainwashed with our teachers’ political beliefs, assumptions, approved view of history, religion, regrets, and frustrations. They have groomed us to live the same disappointing life they’ve lived. Sing c’est la vie.
My heart is wearing out from the residue worry of things I don’t even clearly remember anymore.
I do believe that God sends us signs. And the other day I passed one that said, “Eat More Cake.” It spoke to me. Although I felt sad for Marie Antoinette who lost her head saying much the same thing.
My refrigerator has been talking to me about conspiracies. It told me it knew who killed the Kennedys, but said my life would be in danger if it informed me. I thanked it for caring about my welfare and turned in for the night. At the Godly hour of 3am I was awakened by the pillow whispering in my ear. It told me it knew who killed Anthony Bourdain. I told it to “Fuck off!”
The word success is almost impossible to define, as it means something different to just about everyone. It’s much too large than a single word can contain, because it’s a concept. A floating concept that bends and morphs and matures as we do. What we think it means at the beginning of our journey, may be vastly different to what it means at the end. It’s a dream that, once it’s seemingly fulfilled, may be considered a burden. A curse. A prison cell. A nightmare.
Perhaps it’s God’s sneakiest joke on us all. Giving us what we think we want, in order to find out first hand how hollow it ultimately becomes.
McCartney hit it on the head, simplifying it to “Can’t Buy Me Love.” A record we could dance to, even if the concept was way beyond our comprehension at the time. Perhaps Paul was starting to understand how restrictive a “successful” life can be.
One of the Ten Commandments states that “Thou Shalt Not Worship False Gods.”I have interpreted that to include money = success. For I’ve seen first hand people worship it at the expense of their family, friends, colleagues, ethics, talent and own life.Their “concept” of success was so delusional it eventually devalued every thing of true value in their life.
I was once privileged to have had a song of mine selected for inclusion on the Ferrets’ second album “Fame At Any Price.” I loved that album title then, as I love it now. It was prophetically apt for a band that self-combusted shortly after its release. Perhaps from the pressure of having to follow-up a Number One single and a Gold debut album “Dreams of a Love,” which incidentally also featured a song of mine entitled “Killing Ourselves.” A lyric about the friends of mine who were falling in action during the Melbourne heroin epidemic of the Seventies. That song proved prophetic for the band too.
It’s one thing to crave success. It’s another to have the stomach for it. People take drugs like heroin to numb themselves to the world around them. Isn’t it bizarre that when many performers finally break through and achieve the success they’ve craved, they reach out to self-medicate themselves to…what? The pain of it? The disappointment that the concept of success was so much more thrilling than the reality? Or is it their fear that they, mere mortals, are suddenly treated like gods, and know they can’t sustain this facade for long without publicly falling? False prophets for a false society.
It says a lot about our society that Elvis Presley, the most famous and desired man in the world, died of loneliness. Photographs of him towards the end show a man who is dull-eyed, self-medicated to the point of not knowing where he is, and clearly not having a good time. He even mocks himself in his final heartbreaking performances as if all his dignity is gone. Pity the man who inherits the world, but loses his soul?
We are fed the “Dream” to keep us productive, and striving day to night to achieve our goal, so we can be happy. But, what if, as Judy found out, there’s nothing at the end of the rainbow except burnt-out, broken, despairing suckers?
I always thought the rainbow ended on the corners of Hollywood Boulevard and Western. It almost did for me one night, but that’s another story. And there are millions of stories in the naked city.
My father worked his guts out from 6am until 5pm every day in a thankless job that paid him nowhere near his worth. Then he’d come home and drink. Do you blame him? I sure as hell didn’t. He dreamed of reaching retirement age and getting a big payout. He didn’t make it. In one of the final lines in Arthur Miller’s cathartic play Death of a Salesman, “…No one dast blame this man…He just had the wrong dreams. All wrong.”
How much of our lives are wasted chasing the wrong dreams? “When I get a nice new car I’ll be happy!”…”When I get married I’ll be happy!”…”When I get a nice house I’ll be happy!”…”When I have a child I’ll be happy!”…”When I get divorced I’ll be happy!”… “When I can retire and live as I want I’ll be happy!” etc., etc. The truth is, we’re not happy to begin with. One thing I’ve learnt from my own experience is that money and success won’t make you happy. In fact, they will just amplify the painful reality that you aren’t.In order to enjoy money and success, you must be happy within yourself before you obtain them. Otherwise they are weights around your neck that’ll drag you down to the bottom of the ocean.
Bob Dylan once said that “a successful man is someone who gets up in the morning and goes to bed each night and in between does exactly what he wants.” So, there you have it. Real success is freedom. The freedom to be who you are, and do what you want to do.
I’ve always admired people who are good at what they do. That’s probably a working class respect I inherited from my parents who much admired skilled tradespeople.
America used to have a healthy competitive pride whereby whatever job you had, people wanted to be the best at it. Whether it was driving a cab, being a shoeshine boy, a bellboy, a clerk, a hot dog vendor, etc.
I’ve seen waiters in Los Angeles, old guys who had made a career of it, and they were perfection personified. It was riveting to observe their attention to detail, manners, diplomacy, professionalism, and so on. The top guys made a fortune in tips and deserved every dime. But more than the money, they prided themselves on being the best. Some, were legends. I was in awe of them and paid them great respect.
So, what is success? Is it determined by money? Or by your ability? Or what others think of you? Or how loved you are by your family? Or how many people know your name? Or how many of your peers respect you? Or how fulfilled you are within yourself?
Because, if we don’t know the answer to that, it means most of us have been striving for something that is so elusive, it is even beyond us. And, if we don’t know what we’re seeking, how can we expect to find it? Or ever be content?
I like to walk a lot and, when I do, observe people. You could say it’s part of my job. And in my journeys into the outside world, I have from time to time passed many happy people. The happy family man. The happy young girl walking hand-in-hand with her love. The happy little boy who puts his protective arm around his younger sister and smiles at her. The happy busker who has a captive audience and a hat full of money. The happy taxi driver who loves to chat with his passengers and treat each as a new friend. And so on. To me, all these types are successful people. In the truest sense of the word. They are happy within themselves and thus radiate happiness outward. They have not been shackled by expectations. Either of our own making, or of others.
I have also seen and met some of the wealthiest, most powerful and famous people in the world whilst I lived in L.A, and quite a few were utterly miserable, and made everyone in their presence feel the same.
In the some of the final lines of the classic movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life,” it is stated, “No man is a failure who has friends.”
I believe that. I have some very true, loyal friends. Their rock solid friendship make me feel successful, happy and content for having found them. No matter what I do professionally, or don’t do, or they do or don’t, we have achieved something rare, precious and beautiful. Something real.
I looked into the man’s face. It was etched with suffering. He had no doubt fallen many times in his battles with Life. It looked to me like the greatest pain had not come due to the falls, but from the effort required to rise, and rise again. I also observed the deep laugh lines that’d gathered around each eye resembling a spider’s web. Yes, this man had lived life to the full. He had triumphed many times and learnt nothing from it. That’s because the recipe for success changes frequently. No. It was from his failures he’d learnt everything. And the reason for them had been simple – he’d gone against his instinct.
He’d survived many things in his life. Wars, plagues, floods, marriages, injury, slander, lawsuits, success, failure, gambling, death threats, betrayals, great wealth, poverty, love, broken hearts, rejection, addiction, vicious dogs, adultery, asthma, poisoning, tightrope walking, gangsters, drive-by shooters, merchant bankers, and long debates with actors. As such, these days, it was difficult to get him excited much, or fearful at all.
He’d beaten his demons, and was proud of it. But it’d been some of his friends who’d done him the most damage. They’d posed as friends but were really opportunistic spiritual vampires, sucking off his life force in order to live through him. And when they’d been found out and cut like a cancer out of his life, they had flayed about like dying sharks biting at his reputation with lies, exaggerations and groundless accusations. Most of what they accused him of were acts they’d done. The fact that they were so blatantly hypocritical was what hurt most of all. And from then on, he’d rationed his loyalty to those who’d proved theirs to him.
Now, he spent much of his time looking for things he hadn’t found. It made him as expectant as Jungle Jim on a safari.
He’d once stopped a cab and gotten out to wander through a desolate, ravaged field that beheld the remains of what’d once been a theatre. The taxi driver was bewildered as to what his frantic passenger was looking for. Whatever had been here was long gone, he thought, as his meter ticked away. But his forlorn travelling companion was searching for something only he could see. His youth.
Sometimes, late at night, he wished he was dead. But there was a safety net in knowing God never granted his wishes. This knowledge scared him with the recurring nightmare that he may live forever. And that’d be his punishment for having lived too well for a few years at the peak of his success, when he was too young and too busy to have enjoyed it. He’d once had immense power and never abused it. He’d also held the key to many vulnerable hearts and never used it. The facts, as opposed to the gossip, would show that his integrity was never bought. So God took these opportunities away and seduced someone else with them.
In exchange, the man in question, was given a rented studio apartment and enough food to get by. He was also granted the solitude to reflect on the follies of life, and write about them with a rich appreciation of God’s sense of humour.
He’d figured out the secret to God – He is passive. Having granted us free will he sits back and watches what we do with it. If you wanted action, you had to consult his competitive estranged brother, Satan. But that loan shark had interest rates that’d severely cripple your life, and could never be repaid due to the compounding penalties given only passing mention in the very small print.
And if you accepted that deal, you’d end up worse than alone.
The man who sat in front of me, felt many things.But he’d given up feeling what didn’t matter anymore. He told himself that he had enough heart left for one more great love. But she’d have to be an extraordinary woman, and he now suspected that such a perfect match only existed in dreams. Or delusions. He wasn’t sure what the correct word was anymore. All he knew was that God loved to tease him with possibilities that went nowhere that only foolish younger men or, those older bodies on the brink of madness, pursued.
He laughed out loud at how younger women now delighted in taunting him. They took so much but gave very little in return. They knew the art of getting away Scott free, and would only be able to get away with it a few more years before they too ended up alone. It was all about the promise and how much could be taken in the shadow of that. While one could. He knew all their tricks now and that rendered the game too predictable to hold his attention long. They hadn’t known him in his prime, nor would they’ve had the opportunity to. But these were different times. There were very few who could see past surface layers to find true love. Soul to soul.
How much do you have to hurt before you feel nothing anymore?
How much do you have to love before it means nothing anymore?
This man hasn’t aged from living. He’d aged from giving. And now all those who’d taken from him could celebrate the fact that there was nothing left.
They’d conquered something that felt important to them, but they couldn’t analyse what it was, or why they’d felt such compulsion to deplete it.
After all, they were good people, weren’t they? I mean, they wouldn’t hurt a fly.
The man now, each day, felt his spirit leaving his body and wondered what kind of life his shell would have. He thought, perhaps, he might be more socially accepted in this zombie-like state.
But who knew such things? And who the hell would even think about it? Other than a man with too much time on his hands, who’d stopped momentarily at the crossroads.
That was when I realised I’d been observing myself and the extraction had been successful.
My name is Nobody
The world don’t know my face
When I was young
My family moved from place to place
Never done much schoolin’
Other kids called me dumb
It made me kinda shy
And damaged me some
I’ve tried to be a good man
And fought in the war
But God has rained bad luck on me
With a fear I can’t ignore
Every asian face
Of every kid I killed
At night comes back to haunt me
With the beat of each heart I stilled
God forgive this soldier
Lord forgive me what I’ve done
I killed to protect my country
This fucking country
That betrayed this foolish son…
My dad was Nobody
He named me after him
He beat me some
For no cause but a drunkard’s whim
Seen him hurt my mother
Like a fool I stood there
He took away my pride
And my will to care
I tried to build some things like
A life without pain
But somehow I just don’t fit in
I’ve been branded like Cain
Each night a nightmare
For me the war goes on
All these ghosts come back to haunt me
Then I wake to find them gone
God forgive this soldier
Lord forgive me what I’ve done
I killed to protect my country
This fucking country
That betrayed this foolish son…
I only followed orders
God this has got to stop
Spreadin’ like a fire
Through my harvest crop
I went to mass each Sunday
And prayed to you upstairs
But you must’ve been sleeping
All the way through my prayers
My name is Nobody
The world don’t know my face
When I was young
My family moved from place to place
Never done much schoolin’
Other kids called me dumb
It made me kinda shy
And damaged me some…
I am a soldier of many campaigns. I have fought wars on foreign shores
and at home, against many foes, and against myself. I bear many scars
invisible to the eye. Never having been decorated by my country you
won't find me in the history books. I have fallen by the wayside time
and time again while others soaked up the glory. Politicians have me
in their blindspot and I refuse to bribe them with dinners, girls, boys,
drugs or money. In short, I've been honourably Olsen'd.
It's winter in my car now. Like me it refuses to start. She, the woman in
the passenger seat, could've at least stayed and given me some warmth. But
why change? You know, the clock is wrong and has communist tendencies. The
gear stick on the other hand has been behaving like a dictator. And my
hand is refusing to have sex with me. It says it's bored. Well how does it
think I feel? Why does every living thing have to get bored?
It's dark tonight and so cold I'm afraid to fall asleep lest I not wake
again. My leg has gone to sleep but that's typical, as it's never done
anything I wanted it to. This may explain something to those of you who've
sometimes seen me walking along normally and then suddenly, spasmodically,
gone into the splits. It's a little embarrassing but usually garners quite
a bit of applause. Being an old pro I graciously accept it (I was taught
to never waste applause), and take a bow so that people think it was
intentional, and worthy of their response. This does place some added
daily pressure upon me.
But I must say, all in all, that it would be a shame to not awaken to
another day of dread and boredom. I'd wonder who won the football? Or
did every team lose? Just as an aside, has there ever been a war that
was declared a draw? And who decides? Is there a judging panel of experts
on the hill?
When I was a boy my first love was Hayley Mills.I must've seen that
fucking Pollyanna movie 46 times. Not because I was into the story of
Pollyanna, but I was very much into Hayley. Well, as much as you could
be from the stalls. As the years went by and I grew some hard earned sense
I realised our love was doomed before it could even begin. She was a film
star princess and I was just a boy from St.Kilda who'd never been anywhere
except to the local movie house. It was a painful realisation but there you
have it.
Still, if she spoke to me today I'd turn into that awkward shy boy. Funny
how that is, huh?
I have to stop putting my heart into everything I write as I feel there's
not much of it left. But should you ever miss me, I'll be right here.
(c) Frank Howson 2019
Don't stop me from having some fun
Fun is in such short supply these days
When I was a child nothing made sense
And the school system shut me out
I was too busy dealing with things at home
To be expected to think during classes
All the lessons I needed to learn were there
Within my family
And I soon excelled at observation
And the devastating power of words
Achieving an A every year
My senses heightened to love
And other dangers
So I befriended broken people
Some were too broken and betrayed me
So they could claim credit for breaking me some more
But others bloomed when they received the loyalty
Of a friend
And I was nothing if not loyal
For loyalty has been my greatest gift
And my deepest flaw
It has undone me many times
In the light of day
The most important thing we can learn
Is that we know very little
We can send men to explore the outer realms of space
And yet so much of us is unchartered
If the moon landing was faked
It is probably the most revealing comment one
can make about human beings
God would smile at our arrogance
Attempting to create on such a grand scale for ants
It seems, to me, that it's not what we do that counts
Anymore
It's what we appear to do
So, perhaps we have finally accepted
The truth
That we are just B grade actors
On a huge soundstage created by the Almighty
And each day we rise to go through the motions
And play our roles as convincingly as possible
For the amusement of God
You see, the poor bastard is so bored
Living in the great darkness he shares with Satan
Where there is no time
And not even the relief of commercial breaks
In my opinion that would make sense
Of the nothingness
And we'd at last know who we are
And where we are
Like the Joker
One has to go insane to see
the insanity of the truth
(c) Frank Howson 2019
If I should die tonight
What would I say?
I'm glad you came along
And chose to stay
And thank you for the love
Shown to an orphan gone astray
If I should die tonight
That's what I'd say
If I should cry tonight
Don't turn away
I’ve had to work a lifetime
For minimum pay
You helped me through the storm
Through all the nights that followed day
If I should cry tonight
Don't turn away
You see me
When others don't
You're the one who tries
When others won't
In the temple of truth
I was humbled and confessed
If this be love
Then I've been blessed
If I should die tonight
What have I learnt
From all the battles fought
And bridges burnt?
I bore a heavy load
Through all those dreams that wouldn't cease
If I should die tonight
God grant me peace
(c) Frank Howson 2019
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